Q. What’s the difference between a guitarist and God?
A. God doesn’t think he’s a guitarist.
Q. What comment will you never hear about a band member?
A. That’s the Banjo player’s Porsche.
Q. How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A. Shine a torch in his ear.
Q. Why do guitarists prefer playing guitar to riding a bike?
A. Because with a bike you only get two pedals
Q. Why was Professor Stephen Hawking such a good guitarist?
A. Because he knew an awful lot about string theory.
Q. How can you get a million pounds?
A. Start off with 2 million and try to make a living playing the guitar.
Q. How do you know when someone is a really good guitarist?
A. They’ll tell you.
Q. What’s the difference between a Stadium Rock Guitarist and a Jazz Guitarist?
A. A Stadium Rock Guitarist plays 3 chords to thousands of people and ………..
Q. How does a guitarist turn on his amplifier?
A. He strokes it softly and tells it he loves it.
Q. Why were guitar amplifiers invented?
A. So the guitarist would have something to stand his beer on.
Q. How do you work out who the guitarist is at a party?
A. He’ll tell you.
Q. Why do guitarists have to wake by 6?
A. Because most shops close by 5.30.
Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bass player?
A. A tattoo.
Q. How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A. By the Dominos Pizza hat.
Q. How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot One.
Q. What’s the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A. Who cares – neither one’s a guitar!
Q. What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
A. Big Mac and large fries please!
Q. How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but the guitarist has to show him how to do it first!
Q. Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
A. So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q. What is a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn’t.
Q. What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A. They’re both rubbish without Cream
Q. How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A. Evidently all of them.
Q. What’s the difference between a guitarist and a puppy?
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.
Q. How many bluegrass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five – One to turn the bulb and four to complain that it’s electric.
Q. What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A. A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.
Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None – they just steal somebody else’s light.
Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist’s car?
A. Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a musician to pick up women?
A. Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A. A music critic.
Q. Why do some people have an instant aversion to lead guitarists?
A. It saves time in the long run.
Q. What’s worse than telling jokes about Guitarists?
A. Laughing at them.
Q. What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. What is a gentleman?
A. A guitarist who can play fusion but doesn’t.
Q. What would a guitarist do if he won a million pounds on the lottery?
A. Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q. In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?
A. 5– One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q. How does a Lead Guitarist change a light bulb?
A. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
Q. What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Q. How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A. Nobody knows.
Q. What did the blues guitarist’s gravestone say?
A. “I didn’t wake up this morning.”
Q. What do you do if your rhythm guitarist is drowning?
A. Throw him his amp.
Q. How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A. Depends on how far you throw it.
Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one– but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician.” She replies, “Well darling, you know you can’t do both.”
Q. What’s the difference between a banjo and an Onion?
A. Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q. What’s the difference between a terrorist and a banjo player?
A. Sometimes you can reason with a terrorist.
Q. Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A. It saves time in the long run.
Q. Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A. They make good paddles.
Q. What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A. When you toss a banjo in the rubbish and it hits a mandolin.
Q. What will you never say about a banjo player?
A. “That’s the banjo player’s Porsche”.
Q. How many Bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None – they won’t touch anything electric.
Q. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one – but all the others will gather around to complain that “that’s not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it”.
Q. What do you call 100 banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What do you say to a banjo player in a suit and tie?
A. “Will the defendant please rise”.
Q. How is a ukulele solo like a sneeze?
A. You can tell it’s coming, but you can’t do anything about it.
Q. Did you hear about the ukulele player who went to college?
A. Me neither
Q. What’s the difference between a Ukulele and a trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why do Uke players smile when they play?
A. Because ‘ignorance is bliss’ and ‘what they don’t know can’t hurt them’.
Q. What’s the difference between a Uke and a coffin?
A. The coffin has a dead person on the inside.
Q. Why do Uke players leave their instrument cases on the dashboard of their cars?
A. If someone mistakes them for Mafia they might get some respect.
Q. Why don’t Uke players play hide and seek?
A. Because no one will look for them.
Q. Why shouldn’t Uke players take up mountaineering?
A. Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices they’re missing.
Lutenists spend half their life tuning – and the other half being out of tune!
(Only really works if you understand tuning temperament).
I didn’t steal your lute!
Are you calling me a lyre?
If you know any good (clean) Musician jokes that you would like to see here please email them to me.
Bath Guitar Studio
16 Park Street